It’s 2:26 AM on an Early Thursday morning of my bedroom in Washington DC. Never more than this moment have I wanted to miss home rather than be home. I shouldn’t be this awake at this hour, and honestly, I’m not that awake to be honest, but sleeping isn’t a better alternative, what better time to reintroduce myself to this passion for writing that I had, but lost once upon a time.
I learned the Serenity Prayer at the early age of 3. At least I believe it was 3, it may have be ingrained into me from my father repeating the words every Friday night since the year I was born, so it seems that while I don’t know my first words, that Serenity Prayer may have been the first thing I memorized. I say that to say how ironic it is how even though I know the following words, how hard I find it to find myself in a Serene state of mind:
God Grant Me the Serenity,
To accept the things I can not change,
The Courage to change the things I can,
& the Wisdom to Know the Difference.
I’ve made mistake in my short 25 years on this Earth, and yet I find myself in this humbling state of not being able to accept the things that I can not change – those things in my past. Living with no regrets to me doesn’t make any sense. Maybe it is because I regret some things, and can admit to doing so, however it’s just difficult to let go. I would be lying if I told you I don’t look back at moments on my life and think about what I would do differently.
Is there a fine line between Courage and Desperation? Is it really courage to change the things we can, if changing those things is essential to getting from a state of living menial to inching towards serenity? I surely don’t feel courageous, and I’m not ashamed to say I have a sense of desperation. I’m desperate to leave this whole I’ve been digging over the past handful of years to where I want to be… or should I say, where I should be… or should I say, dare I say, to get to a place where I feel like I can look my my peers in the face behind the facades of smile and laughter I often put on. Because while I can hold a conversation with anyone, about anything, and feel as though I’m respected, the fact of the matter is that doesn’t pay bills, that doesn’t open doors, and whether I like it or not degrees are the measuring stick by whether people give a damn about your opinion. So again I ask, is there a fine line between Courage and Desperation? Because I’m not scared to get out of my current situation… I’m fearful of what my life would be like if I don’t.
It’s now 2:51 in the morning, An UnGodly Hour to be up Fighting for Serenity. A bit of sweet irony in that “Fighting For Serenity”, An act of calamity in search of calmness. I guess that’s why that prayer includes praying for the Wisdom to know the difference between what you can change, and what you can’t. I guess until next time, I’ll just remain… in search.
~ Style Barker